I am so damned tired of being unable to move on with my life. Sure, I shuffle through the day-to-day routines, getting my son to school, getting to work, getting to PTA meetings, getting to church and even occasionally Sunday School, but I'm just not here...in the moment. It's not that I want my ex back, lying cheating scum that he is, but I just wish so badly that I could find ME. Where am I? What happened to me? Maybe I never really existed at all. Perhaps that's my worst fear....that there really is nothing to me...nothing inside....no mission or greater purpose. Doesn't God have a purpose for each of us? Then why can't I figure out mine? Why can't I live? Why can't I fit in? Am I just a cosmic accident? God's rough draft before creating the real thing?
How can I possibly be empty and yet in such pain or have so much anger? I am so tired of the anger, the hurt, the pain, the fear, the apathy. I'm tired of wanting something and not being able to put my finger on just what it is I want or even need. I'm sick and tired of searching for comfort in food and finding its arms as empty as his were....no, not empty - just filled with someone else. Maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe, when his arms were around me, they felt empty to him.
I want to move on, but how do I do that? How do I know what moving on is?
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