Mmmm, it's almost noon and I'm still in my jammies...I love being off work. We don't officially close until today, but I'm using up some annual leave and let me tell ya, I could be a bum for a good six months or so, provided it paid well.
Okay, now I have my chocolate velvet coffee with hazelnut creamer and Kenny G's Christmas cd on, and my bunny is watching cartoons. Gotta load of laundry going. This is shaping up to be another great lazy day. Screw getting out and raking yards.
Christmas is making me nostalgic, I guess, or maybe it's my constant microscopic examination of my life and what I've done wrong that's making me wax sentimental today. Anyway. We'll all be gathering at my parents' on Christmas Eve....we've always celebrated Christmas Eve, exchanging gifts and spending the day together. I can't remember why we do it that way, but now Daddy won't let Mom change it. There have been many difficult, emotionally-strained Christmas Eves in our lives and looking back I can see where the toad and I played a part in making them that way. He was a very negative, selfish person, and I tend to absorb the qualities of those around me, thus making me angry and negative as well for many years. I remember even showing up one year slightly sloshed, which is a definite no-no, except for my oldest brother (9 yrs my junior) who drinks too much anyway. If he can't have a beer or two he won't be there. But he still sneaks them by going outside to his truck to drink them....whether out of respect for my parents or to avoid a lecture I'm not sure, but if I had to guess it would be the latter. But I digress. My family has graciously forgiven my past transgressions and is giving me the chance to build new relationships with them, and that makes me the luckiest daughter/sister in the world.
My oldest brother is....well, I'm not sure how to describe him. He has a lot of hang-ups, and we've grown so far apart, but I'm hoping to work toward changing that. He's very hard to get to know, although he never meets a stranger. When he was a kid he was my dad's shadow, going everywhere with him and talking to other grown men as if he were right there on their level. And the guy can sell ice to eskimos and fire to the devil himself. But you never really know him. But it's neat to see him with his own son now, who has become his dad's shadow.
Now my youngest brother....ah, he's rotten. Spoiled rotten baby of the family, 12 yrs my junior. I can't see him or even think of him without smiling. He got all the brains in the family - he is so smart it's scary. It's quite difficult for me to even follow him in conversation most of the time. When we were kids he was constantly - I mean non-stop - talking or making rhythmic noises. Drove me crazy. To this day I can't stand repetitive noises. And he had a tidbit of knowledge for any and everything you could imagine - still does. You could be talking about shoveling horse poop and he'd have a fact to share. We'd ask him where he got his information, and it was always "in a fact book". Now what kid reads "fact books"? Yeah, now I know. My son is just like him. It's eerie.
But he (my brother) is this big hulk of a guy, bearded, long hair, with this Indiana-Jones style hat and trench coat. Quite intimidating. But he has this great big teddy bear heart that he tries so hard to hide. Growing up he was always the biggest kid in his class, but he didn't realize his strength until much later in junior high or high school. Kids would tease him or be ugly like kids do and he would come home so upset, so heartbroken, not realizing he could literally stomp them in ground without even breathing heavy. He's still tenderhearted, though you'd have to know him really well to ever see it. When I see him with my mom and dad...well, you'd just have to see them. Mom can't stand it until she gets a big bear hug, first thing when he walks in the door, and he always gives her this big goofy grin to go with it. I mean, she'll mow you down to get to him. And Daddy just looks up at him with so much love and pride shining in his eyes, it's amazing.
This is the brother that makes me laugh until I can't breathe. He's the funniest person I've ever known. Incredibly sharp-witted. And he intuitively seems to know me better than most. But he is so, so smart I just stand in awe sometimes listening to him. He gets the whole picture and the details. And he a good game-player. Now, silly as this sounds, I love to play games - you know, board games, cards, etc. He plays hard but fair, with a competitive spirit but with integrity, like my dad. But he doesn't mind when someone else wins. He just enjoys the game. He's a good man. You are a good man, and I love you.
My brothers wives are very different. I don't know the wife of the oldest very well, but she seems to love my brother and that's what counts. My younger brother's wife is, well, she's probably one of the most forgiving, albeit aggravating people I know and I love her to death. She knows she gets on my nerves sometimes, just as I get on hers and jump up and down occasionally, but we get over it and go on. She comes from a family very unlike ours, not much "family" to hear her describe them, and very difficult living conditions growing up. So she's learning to function as a part of a family unit. But she has this beautifully radiant face and a heart that is so very giving. She would literally give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. I've seen her take in and feed strangers and friends alike, not knowing where her own next meal would come from. She has a heart for the Lord and a creative spirit and loves children.
I love my family, and I'm learning to appreciate them more with each day. We are by no means "The Waltons" and we have a multitude of hurts and hang-ups, but we are a family. The toad tried, consciously or unconsciously, to draw me away from my family and as a result I've hurt them many times over our lifetime. I was an awful big sister and daughter in childhood and adulthood, impatient, selfish and snotty. I don't deserve the gift of another chance. But they've somehow dug deep and are granting me the opportunity to build a life that touches theirs. For this I am forever indebted and deeply greatful.
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