Okay. I'm giving this whole goal issue some thought. I think that maybe I haven't had a goal of my own since, maybe, college. Or high school, even. I think my goals have always been based on the goals of others. I finished college because that's what my parents said to do (glad that I followed through on that one). I got married, because the toad said it was marry or go our separate ways....so, I "wanted" to get married. Actually, I did go to grad school because I wanted to, so maybe that was my own goal. But, I followed toad around throughout his Army career because that was his goal. I put him through college and dental school because that was his goal. I did want a child, so my son was actually a goal of my own. But other than that, I'm not sure I've dreamed a dream or set a goal for myself in many, many years.
Since the divorce, my goal has been recovery. Recover from the divorce. Recover from major physical illness and two resulting brain surgeries. My goal has just been to get up and put one foot in front of the other, making it to where we need to be on time. I don't know, maybe I am in a rut. Maybe this is not enough. I feel as though my life is almost over and I'm just putting in time until it's my time to take up residence at a nursing home. How can it be that, at 40, I feel so finished? I would like to be a vibrant, vivacious, full-of-life woman, but I'm so freakin' tired I don't know where to begin.
I'm pathetic. I'll think on this and try again later when my brain isn't so sleep-logged.
--bru (wandering aimlessly thru life)
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