Why do I blog? I honestly can't think of one good reason why I do except to get the words out of my head....hoping against hope that once they appear in black and white they'll no longer bounce around and echo off the walls of my mind.
I'm close to shutting down.....I can feel it. Too many demands, too little control over my days. When I get like this I'm no good to anyone....don't keep appointments, don't return phone calls, barely make it to work, let others down by not keeping commitments.
I need time with my son. I picked him up from my parents today where he's been staying during the week since I work and neither of us wants him in daycare - he's almost 9 and, let's face it - what 9 year old wants to stay with a sitter? Anyway, from there it was shuffling him off to the Toad's for his weekend. For a few minutes there my son was in tears...he wants to see his dad but he's homesick, too. What kind of freakin' summer is it when a kid can't spend it at his own home with his own stuff playing with his own friends? What kind of mother is too tired to play at the end of the day and then spends what little time there is on the weekends doing crap around the house?
I'm just tired, I guess, and stressed to my limit. My mother is starting chemo and radiation next week, my close friend is battling a cancer that looks to be untreatable, work is at it's busiest with no end in site, finances are tight, the house is a mess, the grass is ankle-deep and the mower's broken, I miss my son and I'm applying to get into a doctoral program. And tomorrow I have to help out at church with a kid's outreach and frankly, since my child isn't even going to be there, I'm just not in the mood to do it. Top all this off with hot flashes and headaches and you have One Mean Brunette.
Don't get me wrong, I have a multitude of blessings for which to be thankful - and I am. And I know God will turn this around and I'll be filled with sorrow that I sunk this low. I know God will fill me with His presence and joy and restore my strength. But man, right this minute I just need to shut down for a few days; turn off my brain and get refocused.
Alright, it's after 11pm.....I'm going to watch House.
--bru
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